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I grew tired of my own insecurity.

Uttering my worries through tears, letting them out in the open, I finally realised how deep they ran inside of me. No way, unbelievable. I couldn't be that much insecure a person. I couldn't be the girl who was tearing up from low self-esteem in front of her boyfriend. Poking inside like an expert psychologist, past the hurt, I found beliefs that hadn't even formed thoughts yet. The core of it. They rang so true.

I felt so miserable, pitiful, weak... that I felt uneasy. I got sick of it.

The next day, I had an argument with J and got stubborn. Instead of driving to meet him, I took another turn and made a decision on the spot. A change. Trying not to think much of my feminility, my vanity -all the times spent brushing my long hair in front of the mirror after showering- I pushed the hairdresser's door open and went in. I needed my hair cut short.

I didn't really care if it turned out pixie-like, if I ended up looking like a boy, a tomboy, a lesbian or I-don't-know-what and he wouldn't approve of it. It would make me feel "me". My true self has short hair, I think. Long was no longer "me", it felt foreign, associated with years of weakness, and I couldn't stand a minute more wearing it. I wanted it gone, even if I had to do it myself!

The hairdresser gave me a weird look of 'why would you want to cut this beautiful hair' but nevertheless brought me the picture catalogue to chose from and did her best to guide me through it.

Difficult choice, I would normally panic. I hadn't given much thought about what would suit me, but I knew what I didn't want: I did NOT want straight bangs on the forehead like a monk, NOT a bob cut that would make me look like I was wearing a helmet, NOT parted in the middle like Jesus, but to the side insead. I liked locks of uneven lenghth, volume at the top, layers around my face.

When she gave the first cut, she paused and looked at me through the mirror. 'Perhaps you would like to keep it?' she said, offering me the locks. I refused, surprising myself. I had expected some sort of sentimental attachment, but found only relief when it was cut. No, I didn't want to keep it. And however it turned out, I was glad to have chosen it. I wasn't regretting it.

I kept a genuine smile thoughout the whole process and by the end, both her and I were ethusiastic with the result. Now, that was me. She said she was a little jealous, actually. Maybe because she witnessed a change. After the cut, I went to a clothes shop nearby and chose a nice, sleeveless top of intense blue, like the clear sky, which replaced my faded brick-red T-shirt. Farewell, people-pleaser. Welcome, new, hot, free girl.

It was like this that I went to meet him outside his house. I can now smile confidently. He has no idea what's coming for him. He's got to learn me again.

A week of ultra physical effort.

We may not afford vacations this year, but if I'm to stay in the city, like hell I'll feel miserable! Trying to make the most of what I have, I decided to try A BIT OF EVERYTHING. This summer is for exploring and trying out new things at least ONCE (no strings attached, no contracts signed). Achievements "unlocked" so far include:


  • Bought a sewing machine and learnt how to shorten curtains. (Not physical, but still proud!)

  • Sunday, July 3rd : Hiking with friend, covered 7 klm.

  • Monday, July 4th : Volunteered to take stray dogs for a walk. Spent 1.5 hours walking, while they pulled. Overcame my fear of being attacked by that one who jumps on me every time.

  • Tuesday, July 5th: Aside from a looong walk for coffee...I feel restless. Edit: asked a nearby karate school about their prices and schedule...Plan to join them in September!

  • Wednesday, July 6th: Tried modern dance lesson for 3 hours. I hurt everywhere....I pushed myself to the point that lifting a leg to wear my pyjama pants was nearly impossible.

Maybe tomorrow I could hit the gym (renewed my membership but still haven't stepped foot since April). Though I must take it easy...my body is complaining with every step, but it's slowly recovering. After a good night's sleep my sight has also returned to normal because, upon leaving the dance school last night, I could only look ahead (looking to the sides felt too tiring for my eyeballs hahaha... I almost threw up from exhaustion. Caused by low blood pressure, as I learned later. XD;;)

Edit: A friend just decided to join me with the group. We're hiking this Sunday again!
Edit 2 : Glad we went! We were able to snap this picture :D

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Concert list

I asked J to name any concert he's been at, but he refused. "Come on, what's so difficult about it?" I insisted. Well... actually...
.
.

List of Concerts J. Has Been to
.
* Rage
* Clan of Xymox
* The mission
* Slayer
* System of a Down
* Accept
* Saxon
* Metallica
* Monster Magnet
* Blue Oyster Cult
* Uriah Heep
* Johny Winter
* Pearl Jam
* Tool
* Mastodon
* Bruce Dickinson
* Wolfsheim
* And Also the Trees
* The Cure
* Spitfire
* Rotting Christ
* Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits)
* Motorhead
* The Gathering
* Stamping Ground
* Nightstalker
* Anathema
* Iced Earth
* Septic Flech
* Paradise Lost
* Helloween
* Blind Guardian
* Virgin Steel
* Manilla Road
* Nevermore
* Death in June
* Gitane Demon
* Garden of Delight
* Ulver
* Fu Man Chu
* Screaming Trees
* Orange Goblin
* Robert Dosen
* New Model Army

.__. ok, I get it. I don't even know half of these guys... but that's a lot of ticket money.

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Found this on a blog and just had to repost it:



And now, if you will, a revised version of the Rifleman’s Creed, for us writer-types –

THE PENMONKEY’S CREED

This is my book. There are none like it, because this one is mine.

My book is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.

My book, without me, is useless. Without my book, I am useless. I must write my tale true. I must shoot straighter than my fear who is trying to kill me. I must kill my fear before my fear kills my story.

My book and I know that what counts is not what others have done, what sales we make, what tweets I have twotted. We know that it is my heart that counts.

My book is a living document, because it is my life. I will learn it as it is my kin. I will learn its weaknesses, its strengths, its characters and plots and themes. I will put my heartsblood into the book and it will put its heartsblood into me as we become part of each other.

Before the Muse that I have shackled to the radiator in my office, I swear this creed. My book and I are the representatives of who I am. We are the masters of our fear. We are the ink-stained fools who press our fingerprints into the page for all to see. We are story and story-teller, one and the same. We are the gods of this place.

So be it, until victory is mine and I have finished my shit — fuck yeah and amen.

* * *

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Today I've chosen a male singer, Luigi "Gigi" Finizio. I don't know anything about him, never heard his other songs, but I picked this one because I really like it. It ranked 3rd in 1995's national song contest in the "youth" category, as wikipedia kindly informs me.

The song is called "The Mirror of my Thoughts" and it's about loving a person from a photograph. It uses poetry as lyrics and it's very sentimental. Try listening to it while reading along.

(Sorry I couldn't translate it better... I'm kinda in the mood for karaoke now! My next pick will be something more rock-y.)



Seduta sulla riva di questa mia coscienza
Sitting in the shore of my conscience
la malinconia,
the melancoly,
far conto dei miei giorni
keeping account of my days
Comprese le esperienze di questa vita mia

including the experiences of this life of mine
Somiglia ad un gabbiano con le ali aperte lungo l'orizzonte

it looks like a seagull with its wings spread along the horizon
Abbraccia il cielo che è sopra di me

it hugs the sky that is above me
che affonda dentro lo scenario di un tramonto

which dives into the scenery of a sunset.

LyricsCollapse )
Another Loredana Berte' song, the one that makes me go sentimental the most: "I am not a lady".

My interpretation: It seems to be from the perspective of a whore who reminds herself bitterly to stay level-headed and pragmatic. The singer could be drawing from her biography, as she used to work for a "show club" before being discovered by the discographic company.

But
I think any woman can identify on the part about "fighting daily battles"... Heck, I did when I was cleaning the bedsheets! >__>; It gets me every time. She's saying 'I'm not a princess, I have to work hard', and she shouts it too. Go girl!
~
La fretta del cuore
The rush in the heart
e' già una novità  
is already a novelty
che dietro un giornale sta
which behind a newspaper is
cambiando opinioni        
changing opinions.
~
E il male del giorno
And the evil of the day
e' pochi chilometri a sud
is a few kilometres to the south
del mio ritorno
of my return
del mio buongiorno
of my goodmorning.
~
LyricsCollapse )
I'm creating a new tag, "song". It's mainly music I've heard when I was little, cassettes that my parents played while I was too young to even understand the lyrics. I've associated them with my childhood so I get quite sentimental upon hearing them.


~
Ai suonatori un po' sballati          
To the wacky music players
ai balordi come me                      
To the ludicrous like me
a chi non sono mai piaciuta        
To those who never liked me
a chi non ho incontrato                
To those I've never met
chissà mai perchè.                      
for which I wonder why.
~
Ai dimenticati,                              
T
o the forgotten,
ai playboy finiti,                          
to the ended playboys,
e anche per me.                          
and to me as well.
LyricsCollapse )


Gosh I'm exhausted! And we're still in the middle of the week...!

On Sunday we finally brought in my furniture and now the apartment looks more mine with my desk and bookcase added. Lookit, lookit~ how do you like it?

BEFORE


AFTER


ThoughtsCollapse )

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My first thoughts on the new school year were: "this sucks", "the first lesson was a flop", "I already hate my students", and "why did I ever become a teacher?" My brain got so loaded with worries, criticism, failure, anger, incompetence, self-pity, that a certain area started to actually hurt. XD;

BUT the next day I found a stubbornly positive teacher's blog which saved me. I regained my will to teach and got motivated, even excited about it. I'm actually looking forward to classes now. I was able to remember why I enjoy teaching. So, THANK YOU, Christina C!

EDIT: It's getting better and better. I got them motivated to speak in English without slipping into their mother tongue, I made them rejoice in their success and feel they've achieved a step, and I've organised everything. The method is working~ OH YEAH! =)

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彼氏の ばか!

仕事のあと,  ときどき自分の家へ帰ったり、 彼氏の家へ寝て行ったりします。
昨日 弟は 旅行からもどってきたので、 会うために 今日私の家に 帰るつもりでし
でも彼氏に電話して「もう一晩一緒にいてもいい」と聞きまし
「どうして」というのが返事だった。
「えっと...まだ離れしたくないから。」
「それなら、弟さんは?」
「大丈夫です、明日会いにいくから。あなたは 弟より 大切だから。ちょっとだけ...」と赤面しながら言った。そう言うことは「好きだ」と言っているようだった。
「は は は!弟さんに きみの言ったこと を絶対 話しちゃうぞ~!怒りになりますよ!」
きずついた。かれに 家族より すきだ と 言ったけど からかわれてしまいました。とり消します。やっぱり、わたしの 家に帰ります...